LOL - Learning to Own my Lovely.

I've always been told I'm attractive but never put much stock in it.  Looks can't do much for you anyway.  

“If you feel your value lies in being merely decorative, I fear that someday you might find yourself believing that’s all that you really are. Time erodes all such beauty, but what it cannot diminish is the wonderful workings of your mind: Your humor, your kindness, and your moral courage. These are the things I cherish so in you. I so wish I could give my girls a more just world. But I know you’ll make it a better place." -- Marmee, Little Women”
― Louisa May Alcott, Little Women 

 I once dated a man who told me I was nowhere near my "peak" and that one day I would learn to own how "lovely" I am.

The following story may come as a shock to some. To others, it may seem like a justification. For me, it's accountability.  I've recently decided to embark on a life path that many would call nontraditional or unconventional. After all, it's me! I am both of those!  Until now, I
have worked my way through my bachelors, I am about 3 semesters into my masters degree, and my master plan was to get my degree and then.....while I do, maintain faith that when I finish something will come along.  It always does.  I'm not completely delusional. I don't think money to support myself will just show up without any hard work.  

And supporting myself is very important to me. I've been doing so since I was 18. My grandparents help me with bills while I'm in grad school and it absolutely drives me bonkers.  I hate sending the email asking them, and I always ask for the bare minimum.  I try to earn
money through nannying and over the summer I would clean houses and cocktail waitress.  I've done it all. I'm not afraid to get my hands dirty. After all, I grew up on a horse farm cleaning stalls and throwing bags of grain and bales of hay.   I know what it takes to
earn money.

So back to this new plan.

Many of the people I go to school with have plans of completing their masters' and then working at an agency, or for an established practice.  This never appealed to me.
I always knew my life would not be a 9-5....but I didn't know exactly what it would look like.  

Recently I've had some trouble collecting on debts people owe me.  I know this time of year is tight for everyone so I've tried to be understanding.  There came a time, however, when the prospect of collecting money seemed nil and my dog needed food, so I got creative.  There was a best dressed contest at a country bar I had been to once. I decided to go for it. Someone told me that you could make $500 and honestly, what would I not do to make sure my dog has food?

Now, I haven't always been comfortable "showcasing" myself, or attracting attention for my looks. Quite the opposite in fact.  I was molested by my father when I was six, and always harbored a kind  of shame when it came to my body.  I also developed earlier than most
girls, and this attracted more of the attention that I didn't want.  It got to the point where I elected for a breast reduction at 19 years old.  It wasn't because of my back pain, although there was some.  It was the emotional pain; the isolation and disconnection I felt when
people would not look further than my chest.  There was so much more to me, so much more that I was proud of like my heart, my soul, and my values.

Oddly enough, even though I've never wanted to limit myself to being seen for my beauty, I've always had a sharp awareness for what was deemed beautiful by society, and I was able to find a formula that worked for me.

My junior year in college I started taking a medicine for chronic migraines, topomax.  This medicine is an anti-seizure medication and one off-label use is weight loss because it suppresses appetite.  After about 6 months, I had about 100 lbs on me and I looked gross.  I had struggled with anorexia in previous years, so I was overly sensitive to people thinking I was anorexic again.  I had overcome it, but I still looked sick.  Too big, too small. Too thick, too skinny.  The triangle had a talk and one of the members said, "you need to learn to love yourself and how that has nothing to do with the shell you call a body. It has to do with your soul."  That was 2009.  It's 2013 and I'm just getting to the point where I can say I love myself, mind, body, and soul.

I've grown enough in my love for myself, as a child of this universe, to know that the difference I'm going to make for humanity has nothing to do with my face or body, but with my mind and my heart.  Why then, is it so much easier to earn fast cash showcasing good looks?!  This is not my preference, just reality.  Women get paid thousands of dollars to model lingerie, compete in bikini contests and Sexiest Santa's Helper contests.

 So this is my conclusion.  I have performed many jobs that did not define me (tending bar is one).  They were fun, I got to meet great people, and they paid the bills.  Fast and easy cash, so I can use my brain cells for writing or researching.

 What if I could make money from Qivana, modeling, and contests? Then I could use the daytime to write and research and work!  I checked with my life coach to see if I was being lazy/delusional or if this was actually a good idea.  Turns out, she felt it was aligned too!!
I wanted to write this post because if it hasn't happened already, I'm going to be tagged in photos wearing lingerie.  I got paid to do a promotional shoot for a wonderful business called "Tastefully Taken".  It's a photography business that specializes in budiour photography, working with many brides to be.  The pictures may come as a shock to people, and they may question certain notions they had about me.  I wanted to have available, somewhere, my thoughts about this kind of work and why I was doing it.
I'm really proud of the way the pictures turned out.  It was an interesting and wonderful feeling knowing you helped to create a piece of art.  I definitely want to do another shoot at some point.  I know the difference I want to make in the world. I've always known there was a purpose for my looks and figure.  I hadn't figured out where they fit in to my life, but at some point I knew they were meant to help me get myself heard. I am excited because I feel they can help me sustain myself financially and meet amazing new friends.

P.s.  If anyone is interested in doing this type of shoot...as a gift, soul booster, or just for fun, I highly recommend Scott Sanders from Tastefully Taken.  I'd love to share my experience with you. Just hit
me up. :)