Cleanin' Out My Closet - Eminem Style

Cleanin' Out My Closet - Eminem Style

     I’m a huge Eminem fan.  That is the understatement of the year (in November, too!)  I love the rhythm and composition in his music, and when I decipher the lyrics, I fall in love.  He and I have been through similar trials.  I relate to the way he “processes” events, both cognitively and emotionally; in essence how he copes with life, comes out a better, wiser person with a better perspective... that’s what I relate to.  And because I know how hard it is, and how courageous one must be to do these things, because I know the amount of faith that someone has to have in something bigger than themselves in order to simply live through those experiences, I empathize with and admire him.  *I’ll be inserting lyrics from “Cleaning out my Closet” throughout the blog post, showing commonality between our processing mechanisms and thought trains.

      Whenever someone says “cleaning out” and “closet” in the same sentence, my brain is immediately primed to think of Eminem’s song.  It’s not the piece of his I know best, by any means, but I’m constantly reminded of it.  (This may be a sign from the universe that I just need to tackle my closet and get it over with, figuratively and literally.)

     Most people know I’m an open book.  I often wish I weren't as much so as I am, but it’s part of my soul make-up.  I can’t help it.  Needless to say, there are few “skeletons” in my closet.  This open book quality extends as far as mistakes I've made or indiscretions that plague my conscience.  And even though there are not many, there are some.

Yes. I’m going to share one of my skeletons with you.  I’m cleanin' out my closet – Eminem style.  

Quick Back Story and Then the Skeleton
For those of you who don’t know, I’m in Grad School.  I’m getting a Master’s in Counseling, specializing in Mental Health. I have to try extremely hard at school because I am a natural student but not receptive to most traditional schooling methods.  My second semester of Grad school I decided to cut off any and all communication with my mother, who has been a drug addict most of my life, but neglectful and emotionally abusive for my whole life. 

Now I would never diss my own momma just to get recognition

Take a second to listen for who you think this record is dissing

But put yourself in my position; just try to envision

Witnessing your momma popping prescription pills in the kitchen

Bitching that someone's always going through her purse and shit's missing

Going through public housing systems, victim of Munchhausen's Syndrome

My whole life I was made to believe I was sick when I wasn't

'Til I grew up, now I blew up, it makes you sick to ya stomach

Doesn't it?

When I did this I went through the same emotional roller coaster as someone whose mother died in a car accident.  I didn't eat, I didn't sleep, and I had to take two "incomplete"s out of the three classes I was taking, focusing on self-care and therapy.   

All this commotion emotions run deep as ocean's exploding 

Tempers flaring from parents just blow 'em off and keep going

The whole process of arranging the incompletes was gruesome, to put it politely. 

Have you ever been hated or discriminated against?  I have; I've been protested and demonstrated against

My advisor was very understanding and empathetic, but many other professors were not so much.  They had many reasons to be frustrated with me, and I understood this.  Like I said, not great with traditional education.  Well, I got through that semester, took the summer off, and am more than halfway into my third semester. 

Due to the skeleton I’m about to kick to the curb, I had an extremely difficult beginning to this semester.  I was absent/really late way too many times, I was missing deadlines and due dates, and frankly pissing my teachers off.

I was supposed to go to Thailand with my boyfriend this November.  We’d been planning it since April, and it would have been the first time since June we’d get to spend time together.  The day before he booked my ticket, my adviser told me that now was not the time to be asking for special consideration and take time off from school.  He said that the faculty had complained about me regarding tardies, absences, and deadlines, and I didn't look dependable, which could result in my not getting placed for internship, hence unable to finish school.  So, maybe we’re not going to Thailand!  That’s okay.  Thailand will be there.   And yeah it sucks that I can’t see Josh, but he’ll come home again in march so I’ll be okay.  

I maybe made some mistakes

But I'm only human, but I'm man enough to face them today

So from this meeting on, I considered myself under close watch from professors.  I bought two additional alarm clocks and a watch.  I went home and recorded all my due dates on a calendar.  I was going to try harder.  I could do this.

Well, that worked for a few weeks.  Unfortunately, my skeleton was relentless.  Sunday night, November 4, 2013: I lay in bed for hours, unable fall asleep the night before a test.  Frustrated and nervous about how this would affect me cognitively, at 5:30 am, I decided to stay up, afraid if I fell asleep I would not wake up in time for the test.  (This scenario is not an uncommon one in my life.)  I started reading, and at some point dozed off, waking up at 10:00 am.  My test started at 9:30 am and I wouldn't make it to the school until 10:30 am, an hour after my test had already started.

Thankfully my professor allowed me to start the test late; however, it was obvious he was frustrated.  He (with good reason) has marked me as someone who is frequently late/absent from his class.  And unfortunately I was sure he had decided this is due to laziness or ambivalence regarding my education, which is not the case at all.  So, after everything last spring and the beginning of this semester, I had a very distinct sense that showing up an hour late for a test would be the straw that broke the camels back.  I knew I had to do something.

Ha! I got some skeletons in my closet

And I don't know if no one knows it

So before they thrown me inside my coffin and close it

I'mma expose it;

Meet EDS

I knew I had to introduce them to one of my skeletons.  His name is Ehlers-Danlos Skeleton, Skeleton ED, Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, or EDS for short.  I went straight home after my test and gave them all the run down in an email.  I've decided to share that email with you.  It’s extremely personal, but that’s going to change now.  Now I will figure out how to incorporate EDS into my identity.

The email I sent to all my teachers:(no the Eminem lyrics were not in the copy I sent to them)

Dear Faculty,

Today I had a very humbling, disconcerting, and disheartening experience.  After lying in bed for hours, I was unable fall asleep the night before a test.  I was frustrated and nervous about how this would affect me cognitively.  At 5:30 am, I decided to stay up, afraid if I did fall asleep I would not wake up in time for the test.  (This scenario is not an uncommon one in my life.)  I laid in bed reading, and at some point dozed off, waking up at 10:00 am.  My test started at 9:30 am and I wouldn't make it to the school until 10:30 am, an hour after my test had already started.

As an adolescent, and then young adult, I saw my mother’s academic, professional, and ultimately her life as a whole, crumble in part due to her disability associated with Ehlers-Danlos Syndrom (EDS).  As I watched her stay up late/oversleep, in “too much pain” to do the simplest of tasks, and miss important appointments or opportunities, I became frustrated with her because I believed she wasn't trying hard enough. 

I'm sorry momma!

I never meant to hurt you!

I never meant to make you cry; but tonight

I'm cleaning out my closet (one more time)

Thankfully my professor allowed me to start the test late; however I could sense his frustration.  He (with good reason) has marked me as someone who is frequently late/absent from his class.  Unfortunately I fear, he has decided this is due to laziness or ambivalence regarding my education, which is not the case at all.

Until this point, I have viewed my condition (EDS) as more of an inconvenience or annoyance than a disability.  Mostly because I look like an able bodied, energetic, 25 year old female to most everyone.  I don’t look sick.  I harshly judge myself for the way it affects my life and relationships, sure that if I just try harder it won’t get in the way.  Try harder to go to sleep.  Try harder to not pay attention to the pain.  Today, I've come to face a reality I’m not happy with; it’s not about trying harder.  Due to my condition, there are some things about my body I have little/no control over.  Moreover, these “things” ARE affecting my life and relationships.  

In counseling we talk a lot about advocacy.  Most people with EDS go mis/un-diagnosed for years, reaching forties and fifties before there’s an explanation for all their pain and difficulty managing their life.  In this respect, I consider myself very blessed.  Although I've been dealing with EDS my whole life, as a child I didn't know my symptoms were not the norm.  As a young adult I began seeking medical attention for chronic and random pain, insomnia, neuropathy, anxiety, and debilitating fatigue, among other things.  After 3 years of intermittent ER visits with no explanation, I started looking for information myself.  I decided that I could wait for the doctors to figure out what it was, or I could figure out what it was and find the proper specialists to help me.  I decided to become my own advocate.

In February I will go to a geneticist where they will test/diagnose me with EDS of a particular type (yet to be determined).  Only at this point will I be able to work with the office of disability services on campus, to make it officially known what accommodations can be made to ensure I can make the most of my time at University of Tennessee.

Because I don’t consider myself disabled, because I don’t have an official diagnosis, and because I thought I could try harder, I've refrained from alerting my professors about my condition, with the exception of my heart condition associated with EDS that I figured would become noticeable in class.  I didn't want to bring anything up that wasn't affecting school.  

Well, now I can see how severely it is affecting school.  So back to advocacy: I've decided to be my own advocate and take a step toward helping any and all involved in my graduate education experience understand what I have and how it affects me, in turn possibly affecting my education experience. 

Because people with lax joints fall along a broad spectrum, from those with joint hypermobility but only mild or no related symptoms to those more severely affected, and because each day is different, I’m going to refer to an article written by Alan G. Pocinki, MD, PLLC.  His article articulates different symptoms and complications of EDS.  I have made certain passages bold that detail symptoms I experience/areas I struggle.

(Because it’s so long, I put it at the bottom of the email.)

It matters very much to me that my professors and peers understand how passionate I am about my education and using it to make a difference in the world.  For this reason, I would rather be humbled in sharing this with you all instead of risk the possibility and probability of misinterpretation and misunderstanding of certain behaviors/characteristics I demonstrate.  I don’t look sick. I don’t wear my arm sling to school, or bring the TENS unit or heating pad I have to sit on most days.  I wanted to keep these things to myself, but my desire to help others is stronger than my desire to appear able-bodied.

Thanks for your time.

Ehlers Danlos Syndrome

Ehlers-Danlos syndromes are a group of disorders which share common features including easy bruising, joint hypermobility (loose joints), skin that stretches easily (skin hyperelasticity or laxity), and weakness of tissues.

Often, people who suffer from hyper-mobility syndrome are called hypochondriacs or lazy because they avoid many everyday activities, because these activities cause them pain.  Most of them don’t look sick and, as a result, friends, colleagues, and even doctors can be unsympathetic.  Furthermore, they may spend years unsuccessfully searching for the cause of their chronic pain and other symptoms because many doctors are unfamiliar with hypermobility syndrome and its complex set of symptoms.  Such long delays and lack of understanding can lead to frustration (with doctors and with daily life), anger, anxiety, and depression.

EDS can include a wide and diverse array of symptoms, but the muscles and joints are most often affected.  People with EDS often develop chronic joint pain and stiffness, most often in the larger joints; for example, the joints of the neck, shoulders, back, hips, and knees.  However, smaller joints such as the ankles, wrists, and elbows are often affected as well.

And there are even more symptoms.  Unexplained bruises often appear “out of nowhere.” Many people complain of dry mouth or constant thirst, often with a craving for salty foods.  They are uncomfortable standing for long periods, so avoid lines and like to sit with their feet up.  Many patients with EDS also have problems with their autonomic nervous system, the part of the nervous system that regulates circulation, breathing, and digestion.  This can lead to symptoms such as lightheadedness, palpitations, and digestive problems, and probably plays a role in difficulty sleeping and overall fatigue, which are also common complaints.

Problems affecting parts of the body other than the joints are referred to as the extra-articular manifestations of hyper-mobility. Lax joints are very often associated with increased tissue elasticity elsewhere in the body, especially in the blood vessels and digestive tract. In recent years, hyper-mobility also has been associated with a variety of autonomic nervous system problems.

The autonomic nervous system regulates all body processes that occur automatically, such as heart rate, blood pressure, breathing, and digestion. To compensate for stretchy blood vessels and increased venous pooling (too much blood collecting in over-stretched veins) most people with hyper-mobility appear to make extra adrenaline, which may account for the high-energy, always-on-the-go lifestyles of many hyper-mobile people.  Unfortunately, if you get too tired, your body responds by making more adrenaline, so you keep going, not realizing how tired you really are. It appears that as you get more and more run down, your body gets more sensitive to adrenaline, so the small amount you have left can produce the same response a larger amount used to so you still don’t feel tired even when you are. Even when you do feel tired, you may continue to “push through” the fatigue, collapsing when the adrenaline wears off. 

Years of not feeling, ignoring, or pushing through fatigue may be one factor in the development of illnesses like chronic fatigue syndrome.

Many of the autonomic nervous system problems associated with hyper-mobility are characterized by an “over-response” to physical and emotional stresses, which often leads to fluctuations in heart rate and blood pressure, as well as digestive and respiratory symptoms.  Sickness, pain, emotional stress, and even fatigue itself can raise adrenaline levels, and acute stresses can trigger adrenaline surges, leaving you jittery, anxious, and even more exhausted. Worse, such surges can trigger an excessive counter-response, causing nausea, sweating, lightheadedness, diarrhea, and of course even more fatigue. Even sensory stimuli, such as bright lights or loud noises, can trigger an exaggerated or over-response, causing sensitivity to light and sound.

Perhaps the most common symptom of autonomic nervous system dysfunction in hyper-mobile people is orthostatic intolerance, or lightheadedness on standing. Tilt-table testing often reveals abnormalities such as neurally mediated hypo-tension (NMH) or postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome(POTS), fancy names for different ways in which the body fails to maintain a stable heart rate and blood pressure when a person stands up. Increasing salt and fluid intake, and avoiding caffeine and alcohol, which deplete the body of fluid, may reduce such symptoms. It also helps to keep your feet elevated, wear support hose, avoid prolonged standing, and of course the obvious—if you get dizzy when you stand up quickly, don’t stand up quickly!

Because too much blood is pooling instead of circulating, people with EDS typically have cold hands and feet and low or low-normal blood pressure, in addition to lightheadedness on standing. Drops in blood pressure can trigger palpitations and racing and pounding of the heart. There is also an increased risk of migraine headaches, varicose veins, and hemorrhoids.

Unusual heart problems can occur. One of the most serious cardiovascular concerns in hyper-mobile people is an increased tendency for blood vessels to tear or even rupture, although this is primarily a concern for people with the more serious vascular type of Ehlers-Danlos syndrome.

People with lax joints are predisposed to many different kinds of headaches.Migraine headaches are very common, in part because many migraines are triggered by fluctuations in hormone levels or blood pressure, which can be increased by autonomic problems. Headaches from chronic neck strain also are very common and can often turn into migraines. In addition, severe autonomic problems can cause a dehydration or “hangover”-like headache, possibly related to inadequate blood flow. Uncommonly, looseness of the muscles that control the eyes can cause difficulty focusing and eye strain headaches. TMJ problems can also cause headache.

Hypermobility and Anxiety

The body’s tendency to overreact to stresses by making too much adrenaline can lead others to think that hyper-mobile people are “too sensitive,” “irritable,” or “anxious.” Patients themselves may notice this, saying, “I've always overreacted to little things. I can’t help it.” It is very important to recognize two things about this phenomenon. First, it is a physical reaction, so that counseling usually will not be effective in treating this type of anxiety. Similarly, adrenaline highs and lows may be mistaken for the mood fluctuations of bipolar disorder, but mood-stabilizing medications usually are not indicated. When medication is required, beta blockers, which block adrenaline, may be as effective with fewer side effects than SSRI’s like Prozac and Lexapro or benzodiazepines like Xanax and Valium. Second, while a feeling of anxiety can be produced by emotional stress, it is just as likely that such symptoms have a physical cause, most often fatigue, pain, or dehydration, and less commonly by a drop in blood sugar or blood pressure. Not surprisingly, researchers have found that anxiety and panic disorder are more common in hyper-mobile people.

Similarly, when hyper-mobile people try to fall asleep, the stimulating effect of their extra adrenaline may keep them awake. If they are able to fall asleep, they may continue to make too much adrenaline overnight, giving them a shallow, dream-filled sleep, so that they wake feeling unrefreshed. Pain further stimulates adrenaline, making restful sleep even more difficult. When studied in the sleep lab, they often have a relative and sometimes complete lack of deep sleep, and/or an increased number of sleep-disrupting “arousals.” Poor sleep can cause irritability and fatigue, which in turn can trigger more adrenaline (to try to overcome the fatigue), which in turn can make sleep worse.This vicious cycle can eventually cause serious disability.  Like fatigue and pain, many patients are not aware of just how bad their sleep is. Although some people are aware of waking often or of having frequent very vivid dreams, many will insist that they “sleep fine,” even while admitting that after sleeping 8 hours they don’t feel rested when they get up. One obvious reason for this lack of awareness is, of course, that they’re asleep, so they have no way of knowing that they’re not getting enough deep sleep or having way too many arousals. Sleep studies done in a sleep lab are very helpful in demonstrating the nature and severity of sleep problems, and in ruling out other sleep problems like sleep apnea and periodic limb movements of sleep, which can coexist with hypermobility-related sleep problems. Virtually every system in the body is strained when you don’t get a good night’s sleep.

Not sleeping well not only makes you tired and irritable and can affect your mood, it also affects mental functions like memory and concentration, and has recently been shown to be a major contributor to weight gain in some people. Besides treatment for sleep apnea and limb movements when these are present, medications specifically for hypermobility-related sleep problems are often helpful.

As mentioned earlier, one possible explanation for the frequent arousal and lack of deep sleep is that patients are making too much adrenaline at night, just as they often are during the day. Some patients unfortunately seem to make too little during the day, waking tired and dragging through the day, only to get a “second wind” of energy (or a “first wind” for many!) at 9:00 or 10:00 at night, just as they are trying to wind down and get ready for bed. Heart rate monitors showing increased fluctuations in heart rate and occasional sudden increases in heart rate corresponding to arousals and awakenings lend support to this theory, as does the observation that medication to block or offset extra adrenaline helps many patients get a better night sleep. Adrenaline-blocking medications include various types of beta blockers, while medications like Valium and Ativan work partly by raising the levels of calming chemicals in the brain to offset the extra stimulating ones. Also, since chronic pain is so common in this patient group, appropriate pain medication at bedtime is often essential to achieving a restful night’s sleep.

Primarily affects the musculoskeletal system. Loose joints cause increased strain on nearby soft tissues (muscles, ligaments, tendons) that stabilize them.  These soft tissues themselves are often overly lax, and because of their laxity and the increased strain on them, they are prone to tearing and spasm, leading to pain and stiffness around joints.  The pain may or may not be clearly related to any specific activity.  For some, any repetitive movement such as walking, lifting, or carrying can be painful.  Standing or sitting for any period of time can cause stiffness and pain, as can something as simple as cleaning a kitchen counter or bending down to pick up laundry.

Because of their role in stabilizing the trunk and head, the neck and lower back are almost always affected.  Chronic neck strain affects nearly every patient with EDS for two main reasons. First, the ligaments that are supposed to support the head are too loose and therefore cannot do their job well.  The muscles of the neck are forced to do more of the work of supporting the head than they are meant to do, so they become strained. 

Second, most EDS patients have shoulders that are too loose, that is the “ball” of the upper arm is not held tightly in the “socket” of the shoulder. Because of the weakness of the shoulders, almost any activity that uses the arm, including reaching, pushing, pulling, and carrying, pulls not only on the shoulder but also on the neck. For these two reasons, neck muscles are constantly being strained, and what little healing may occur overnight is promptly undone the next day. Remarkably, this process occurs so gradually that many people with JHS do not even notice it, and when asked they may say, “My neck is fine,” when in fact their necks are a mass of knotted soft tissue, soft tissue that does not feel soft at all!

Lower back pain also is very common in people with EDS, again for a number of reasons. As in the neck, the ligaments that should support and stabilize the spine and pelvis usually are too loose, putting extra strain on muscles to try to support the upper half of the body. Like the relationship of the shoulders to the neck, loose hips also put extra strain on the lower back to try to stabilize the pelvis. Among these muscles is the piriformis muscle, a small muscle at the base of the pelvis (in the buttock). When called upon to play a bigger part in supporting the pelvis than it is meant to, it can easily be strained.  Once strained, it may tighten up and pinch the sciatic nerve, which runs directly beneath it.The resulting pain, called sciatica, can be felt in the buttock and often radiates down the back of the leg. This condition, sometimes called piriformis syndrome, is often mistaken for a pinched nerve from a ruptured disc in the spine.

People with EDS do have an increased tendency to have disc problems, sometimes at an early age, because the intervertebral discs that help cushion and support the spine may be less rigid than normal. Softer discs are more prone to leak or rupture, allowing disc material to ooze out of the disc and pinch nearby nerves, causing pain. Disc problems in the neck cause pain down the arms, and discs in the lower back cause pain to be referred to the legs. Less often, tissues within the disc itself can break down, causing pain within the disc, which can be very difficult to treat.

 Some people with hypermobility also develop neuropathic pain, which may be felt as burning, stinging, tingling, shooting, numbing, etc. Sometimes such pain is caused by disc problems, but often it is quite localized or does not follow the usual patterns of pinched nerves. Conventional nerve testing usually is normal, so these symptoms may be attributed to psychological rather than physical causes. This type of pain also can be particularly difficult to treat.

As mentioned earlier, osteoarthritis occurs more rapidly in loose joints. Therefore, arthritis in the neck and lower back is another frequent cause of neck and back pain and stiffness in EDS patients.

Hyper-mobility also commonly causes pain in the hips, shoulders, knees, and elbows. The shoulder in particular depends a great deal on its ligaments for support, and when the ligaments are loose, there is extra strain on the soft tissues of the shoulder. When these tear, tendinitis often develops. Similarly, hyper-extending the elbows can tear the tendons on the sides of the elbow. Pain in this area often is referred to as “tennis elbow” and “golfer’s elbow.” In addition, many people with EDS suffer frequent ankle sprains, which like shoulder and elbow injuries, may take a very long time to heal because they tend to get injured again and again while they are trying to heal.

 Unstable hips often cause pain which, like neck pain, may go unnoticed for a long time, since the hip joint does not move around as much as the knee, shoulder, and ankle joints. Examination of the hip in people with EDS often causes them to cry out, “Ouch! I didn’t even know it hurt there.” Also, many people mistakenly describe pain from the back part of the hip joint as “back pain.”

The most common source of knee pain in hyper-mobile people is the cartilage between the kneecap and the knee. Because the soft tissues that are supposed to hold the kneecap in place are loose, the kneecap itself is often loose. After years of sliding around too much, the cartilage underneath the kneecap starts to wear down (a condition referred to as chondromalacia), causing pain - and sometimes a crunching or grinding noise – while kneeling, squatting, or climbing stairs. Osteoarthritis of the knee joint itself is not as common, but it can occur, especially in those who have done years of high impact exercise or those who are overweight.

Other joints that can be affected include the joints where the ribs meet the breastbone and where the ribs meet the vertebrae of the spine. Many people with EDS feel chest pain and tightness, and may even seek emergency care to rule out heart disease, when the source of their symptoms is the joints of the rib cage, a condition called costochondritis, or inflammation of the rib cartilage. In addition, the jaw, or temporomandibular joint (TMJ), is often affected by hyper-mobility. Just like other joints, looseness of this joint leads to strain on the muscles around it and wear of the cartilage in the joint. A variety of treatments are used for TMJ pain, but strengthening and stabilizing the joint offers the best hope for many for long-term relief.

Finally, there is an association between hyper-mobility and increased risk of osteoporosis, although it is not clear whether this is simply from inactivity because of pain or, more likely, that there is a specific defect in bone metabolism. The identification of receptors for adrenaline-like hormones in the bone suggests the possibility that loss of bone may even be related to autonomic nervous system dysfunction.

The treatment of musculoskeletal symptoms primarily consists of medication for pain relief, and exercise and physical therapy to relieve muscle spasm – in the short run – and strengthen the tissues around loose joints to stabilize them – in the long run. These are general treatment principles, which are more easily applied and more effective for some joints than others.

A brief word about pain: pain is not a good thing. “Toughing it out,” “putting up with it,” “learning to live with it,” etc. are not productive approaches to dealing with chronic pain.. Pain is not good for you. Pain strains your system, wears you down, disturbs your sleep, and makes you irritable and even depressed. Medication that relieves pain often does a lot more; it often improves sleep, concentration, energy, and mood. Be hopeful that with appropriate treatment you will gradually need less and less pain medication, but take it when you need it.

Avoid

·         high impact exercise

·         forms of stretching that involve grabbing a joint and pulling or pushing on it to “loosen               it up.”

·         heavy lifting/pulling/pushing

·         hyper-extending joints

Fibromyalgia is a common diagnosis in people with EDS. Once muscles around loose joints become strained and painful with daily use they may become more and more painful, until chronic unrelenting pain begins to disrupt sleep and cause fatigue and depression. Each of these symptoms reinforces the others. For example, depression can disrupt sleep, cause fatigue, and increase sensitivity to pain, setting up a vicious cycle of pain, fatigue, poor sleep, and depression, which is the crux of fibromyalgia. Hyper-mobility also may predispose people to develop chronic fatigue syndrome, which has much in common with fibromyalgia.

Congratulations!!!

If you made it all the way to the bottom of my skeleton!

One more thing, before I go.  The Ehlers-Danlos syndromes are inherited in the genes that are passed from parents to offspring. 

See what hurts me the most is you won't admit you was wrong

Bitch do your song - keep telling yourself that you was a mom!

But how dare you try to take what you didn't help me to get

You selfish bitch; I hope you fucking burn in hell for this shit

Remember when Ronnie died and you said you wished it was me?

Well guess what, I am dead - dead to you as can be!

She gave me this life.  What I do with it now is up to me.